A Side Effect of Passion

It’s November, hard to believe that the regular season starts again in a mere eight weeks. Are you prepared? I think I am, oddly enough. This year of 2012 did not play out near what I had planned for. I can remember having an extremely powerful focus, a state of mind unparalleled even by my most successful years. It was almost like a feeling of invincibility. I knew what I wanted, I knew how to get it, and I knew it was going to happen. However, when the season progressed, the months and weeks full of small defeats chipped away at that focus. I did my best to ignore this fact or even pretend like nothing was happening. I felt it all along, and at some point in early June, I lost the state of mind I worked so hard and sacrificed so much to achieve, and I did it at the worst time possible. Do I regret this fact? No. Regret is a huge waste of my precious time and energy. Divert what could be regret into knowledge. Knowledge of a mistake that can be prevented in the future, for myself and others in my web. There is always a valuable lesson in the darkness, typically blurry at first, but with time and patience it will come into focus.

I have had my “out”, as one could say, too retire. Many times now, I could have said ‘well this obstacle is too great, and it’s time for me to bow out.’ On a regular basis people ask. My answer is still the same; I am hurt by the harsh reality that is now in the past and defines my 2012. I don’t see myself continuing on four more years. I am unsure of my physical and emotional strength to do so. But I remain utterly unsatisfied. I am so much better than I have shown. I have a number in mind, and if I could only achieve it, it seems as if it would put my soul at ease. I don’t want to define my career by a number, I know that it is much more than that, but the number haunts my every conscious moment, continually eluding me with cruel taunt and malice. This is the sharp pain of addiction that can emerge as a side effect of passion for many athletes. When is it good enough? When are we satisfied? Can we even be satisfied? If not a number, than a team, a record, a legacy, is it ever enough? When the ultimate goal is achieved, than a new one presents itself within the hour.

I may never achieve my own, but as long as I am capable, I will continue to try.