My intension in starting this
blog and continuing with it has always been the hope that it can inspire others
who need it most, and in the process I’ve realized that it has become a
valuable tool for me in dealing with the difficulties of the life I’ve chosen.
I felt it necessary to submit
an update, but it probably was not the best of timing. After my last posting I
received a few phone calls and emails from people close to me, expressing their
concern. Despite my efforts, I was unable to gloss over my real feelings with
positive truths as usual, and readers saw right through into its grim nature. I
do my best to be as open and honest as possible sharing the real world of
post-collegiate pole vaulting, but as any athlete will admit, some days you
just can’t spin positive out of what feels like a cloud of negative surrounding
you. I must apologize for that, so I am very sorry.
The reality of how I truly felt Thursday, Friday, and
Saturday is simple, I felt like shit, I was pissed, and depressed as hell. But
I didn’t really want to share that, because what good does that do anyone,
including me. I don’t like complaining, and I don’t like bringing other people
down when I am down. I generally distance myself from society until it passes
and in this case I fear my self pity may have infected a few others. But now,
it’s ok to talk about it, because it is in the past. I’m not down anymore, and
no, I’m not glossing again, I’m being 100% honest. I feel resurrected. It just
took me longer than normal to shake the frustration and anxiety associated with
the powerful fear of failure. I’ve left that coward behind, and I don’t expect
to hear his whining little voice anymore.
It started happening sometime last night, I finally began
letting go of that fear, and when I woke up this morning it was gone completely.
Like exorcising a demon, I feel better than I have in weeks. Sounds almost
manic, but believe me it isn’t. Science hasn’t created a pill for the symptom I
have, “obsessing over triumph”, and if they do, we should probably rally
together to destroy it.
Everything is happening exactly as it should be, or it
wouldn’t have happened this way at all. My faith in myself has been returned
with new vigor, and the nightmare that I saw in front of me has been wiped
clean with visions of success and happiness.
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