My intension in starting this blog and continuing with it has always been the hope that it can inspire others who need it most, and in the process I’ve realized that it has become a valuable tool for me in dealing with the difficulties of the life I’ve chosen.
I felt it necessary to submit an update, but it probably was not the best of timing. After my last posting I received a few phone calls and emails from people close to me, expressing their concern. Despite my efforts, I was unable to gloss over my real feelings with positive truths as usual, and readers saw right through into its grim nature. I do my best to be as open and honest as possible sharing the real world of post-collegiate pole vaulting, but as any athlete will admit, some days you just can’t spin positive out of what feels like a cloud of negative surrounding you. I must apologize for that, so I am very sorry.
The reality of how I truly felt Thursday, Friday, and Saturday is simple, I felt like shit, I was pissed, and depressed as hell. But I didn’t really want to share that, because what good does that do anyone, including me. I don’t like complaining, and I don’t like bringing other people down when I am down. I generally distance myself from society until it passes and in this case I fear my self pity may have infected a few others. But now, it’s ok to talk about it, because it is in the past. I’m not down anymore, and no, I’m not glossing again, I’m being 100% honest. I feel resurrected. It just took me longer than normal to shake the frustration and anxiety associated with the powerful fear of failure. I’ve left that coward behind, and I don’t expect to hear his whining little voice anymore.
It started happening sometime last night, I finally began letting go of that fear, and when I woke up this morning it was gone completely. Like exorcising a demon, I feel better than I have in weeks. Sounds almost manic, but believe me it isn’t. Science hasn’t created a pill for the symptom I have, “obsessing over triumph”, and if they do, we should probably rally together to destroy it.
Everything is happening exactly as it should be, or it wouldn’t have happened this way at all. My faith in myself has been returned with new vigor, and the nightmare that I saw in front of me has been wiped clean with visions of success and happiness.