So after all that's gone on I looked back into my journal and realized that I haven't just No Heighted at 4 meets in a row including USA's and 3 money meets. I have NH'd at 6 meets in a row. Before we left for Eugene I tried to compete in our building opening at a very high bar in order to simulate the championship meet, and I attended a small meet at a nearby university where I failed as well.
I didn't give those 2 competitions much thought, as they were intended to be practices rather than something serious. But thinking about it, well, it stings the pride a bit. I mean 6 in a row, ouch.
So, with 3 meets remaining on my summer schedule the thought of competing could very well upset my stomach at this point. But it doesn't. After all the trials that have taken place I am still going forward. It would be so easy to quit right now, so easy. I could justify it with ease, and no one would judge or question it. I came back, I did what they told me I wouldn't, and I jumped pretty high. But i would know its BS. I would judge myself, I would feel guilt, and I would regret it for all time. It's still not enough. I can do more, I have to know what I am truly capable of. This question remains unanswered. Speculation and prediction are not enough, I have to experience the glory myself with all my senses. It's in me, and I refuse to fold until I find a way to let it out.